Randomness, Things that happen at my house

What happened

Midnight Thursday,

Some people I worked with came to the door to deliver the worst news of my life (aside from losing my dad). The cab came to pick up hubby to bring him to the airport to come home, but no one came down. The cabby called the company and they sent someone over to the hotel… when they opened the room they found that my husband of almost 26 yrs in July had passed away in his sleep.

I talked to him on skype before he went to bed, he was excited about coming home after being there so long. We made plans for me to have a big pizza for him when he got here, I got my hair cut and wanted to look pretty for him. I told him I loved him and we’d skype before he left for the airport. I told him my ankles hurt from mowing the yard, and that I was getting old… he said it was probably my shoes and that he was older than me and “He felt great!” Something he liked to tease me about because he was in great shape and I’m soooo not. I told him that he sucked and he laughed… we said goodnight and I love yous and signed off.

Sometime shortly after that, they think he suffered a brain aneurysm in his sleep.

As he is in a foreign country, I have to make some fast decisions on how to handle this. I’m talking to embassies, and consulates. What the crap do I know about those kinds of things? I’ve never had to deal with this stuff, I’m looking around for an adult but I AM the adult.

Suddenly words like widow, late husband, decisions, wills, insurance, are tossed around like my world hasn’t just ended. Where will I go, what will I do? What do I want to do about this or that? I DON’T KNOW!!! Gimme a second to breathe! It’s been 12 hrs! I’m still having trouble standing up, breathing and my head feels like it’s coming apart.  I’m not just picking up MY pieces, but my son’s broken pieces too.

I’ve slept in my bed alone for the last 6 weeks, but since Thursday, I can’t. I thought he was coming home, now that he’s not… it’s unbearable to think about. When I close my eyes and the phone rings, I answer and cry. My stomach feels like it’s turning inside out, food isn’t an option.

I still have that corner of the yard that isn’t mowed… I want to do it, but I don’t want to. I clean up the house, I am on the phone constantly. We picked up pizza for everyone who came in to support me, when we got back with it. I got out of the car, locked the doors and forgot to get the food out. I forget what I’ve said to who, I forget a word mid-sentence. My brain is in a fog.

Still among this, I’m making decisions… learning new things that I need to do, I get mad, then sad, then numb. I stare off into space… and I still have this sense of anticipation of showing him the ditch I dug, of how big my tomatoes have gotten, my repair job on the pipes under the sink and my new blisters.

I saw his sister today… and I thought omg, she looks JUST like her mother! I wanted to tell him that and exclaim over how everyone looked and just-

Since Thursday, I’ve got 5 hrs sleep this morning. I’ve eaten a slice of pizza because people wouldn’t leave me alone until I did, then I had the kitkat bar because chocolate… that’s why. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my everything hurts.

This profoundly sucks the most amazing amount of ass!

12 thoughts on “What happened”

  1. Oh, Kawanee, what can I say. You seem like a strong lady. I’m sure you’ll pull through. Afterwards, you’ll probably wonder how you did. I’ve found I do what I have to do. The strength and determination come to you. Just be sure to try and eat even if you’re not hungry. Ask for help when you need it. You have a right. There are a lot of good people who just wait to be asked. Bless you. ❤ — Suzanne


  2. Devastatingly raw and confusing. No one can make you feel better, it is good to have support from others but this is your loss. It will take time for you to sort things out. In the meantime, just accept the kindness around you and do your best to cope. I have included you and your family in my daily prayers and will continue to do so. I can only say I am so sorry for your loss. Time will let you know what the future holds.


  3. Dear Kawanee, I don’t know if you know or have heard of the novelist Hannah Richell? She also blogs on WordPress and I urge you to take a look at the posts she has written in the last two years since her husband died in an accident. She has written incredibly insightful as well as moving posts about exactly what you must be going through now and I think you may derive some comfort from reading what she has put down. In one of her posts she has also mentioned books that have helped her. I wish you love and strength and comfort. May you never lose sight of the friends and strangers who wish you only the best at this time. All of us hold you in our hearts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart goes out to you. Is there anyone who can take over the legalities for you? That would take a lot of pressure off you and allow you to cope with the loss of your love. Also if you wish to talk about anything which you want you can message me if you want. I`ve been through it with both sets of parents dying when I was young. my e-mail is firefly__@live.co.uk


  5. Dear Kawanee, My Thoughts and Prayers are with You & Your Family. I know you are carrying such a Heavy Heart and honestly, there ARE No Words to say that can make you feel better. Just know You are All Loved and we are all here for support. If you want to talk or anything, you know how to get in touch. Love You ❤


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