Some people I worked with came to the door to deliver the worst news of my life (aside from losing my dad). The cab came to pick up hubby to bring him to the airport to come home, but no one came down. The cabby called the company and they sent someone over to the hotel… when they opened the room they found that my husband of almost 26 yrs in July had passed away in his sleep.
I talked to him on skype before he went to bed, he was excited about coming home after being there so long. We made plans for me to have a big pizza for him when he got here, I got my hair cut and wanted to look pretty for him. I told him I loved him and we’d skype before he left for the airport. I told him my ankles hurt from mowing the yard, and that I was getting old… he said it was probably my shoes and that he was older than me and “He felt great!” Something he liked to tease me about because he was in great shape and I’m soooo not. I told him that he sucked and he laughed… we said goodnight and I love yous and signed off.
Sometime shortly after that, they think he suffered a brain aneurysm in his sleep.
As he is in a foreign country, I have to make some fast decisions on how to handle this. I’m talking to embassies, and consulates. What the crap do I know about those kinds of things? I’ve never had to deal with this stuff, I’m looking around for an adult but I AM the adult.
Suddenly words like widow, late husband, decisions, wills, insurance, are tossed around like my world hasn’t just ended. Where will I go, what will I do? What do I want to do about this or that? I DON’T KNOW!!! Gimme a second to breathe! It’s been 12 hrs! I’m still having trouble standing up, breathing and my head feels like it’s coming apart. I’m not just picking up MY pieces, but my son’s broken pieces too.
I’ve slept in my bed alone for the last 6 weeks, but since Thursday, I can’t. I thought he was coming home, now that he’s not… it’s unbearable to think about. When I close my eyes and the phone rings, I answer and cry. My stomach feels like it’s turning inside out, food isn’t an option.
I still have that corner of the yard that isn’t mowed… I want to do it, but I don’t want to. I clean up the house, I am on the phone constantly. We picked up pizza for everyone who came in to support me, when we got back with it. I got out of the car, locked the doors and forgot to get the food out. I forget what I’ve said to who, I forget a word mid-sentence. My brain is in a fog.
Still among this, I’m making decisions… learning new things that I need to do, I get mad, then sad, then numb. I stare off into space… and I still have this sense of anticipation of showing him the ditch I dug, of how big my tomatoes have gotten, my repair job on the pipes under the sink and my new blisters.
I saw his sister today… and I thought omg, she looks JUST like her mother! I wanted to tell him that and exclaim over how everyone looked and just-
Since Thursday, I’ve got 5 hrs sleep this morning. I’ve eaten a slice of pizza because people wouldn’t leave me alone until I did, then I had the kitkat bar because chocolate… that’s why. My throat hurts, my head hurts, my everything hurts.
This profoundly sucks the most amazing amount of ass!