This was written at different times over the past 2 weeks. So it might be a little disjointed as it is a bit of random rants, thoughts, and feelings.
Well, it’s apparently been a week since my husband passed. It is largely a blur of fog with moments that stuck with me. I honestly barely remember what we did last Friday, the only thing I remember is waking up and talking to my husband’s boss and friend and then a steady stream of calls. Lots of crying… and people telling me to be sure to eat and get sleep. I remember eating a half a sandwich and a few chips on Friday at 1 am; it was the first thing I’d eaten since 9 pm Thursday.
I cannot sleep in my bedroom. My son doesn’t understand why; he said: “You’ve been sleeping in there for the past 4 weeks…” Yes, but that was different. I thought he was coming back, it’s different now. A little colder, lonelier, awful… maybe even a little scarier. (I dunno why that last part.)
Saturday, (6-17) my sister in law and her daughter and grandkids came in. I hadn’t seen them since… um… 1998 or so. That was tearful, and yet it was the first day only a few tears were shed. It was also the day I was supposed to pick up my husband from the airport. There were a lot of hugs exchanged and some very good advice given. I love my in-laws, always have and always will. I’ve been so lucky with them. Wasn’t hungry, wasn’t thinking of food and was a bad hostess. 😦 We eventually went to get pizza for everyone, they made me eat…
I showed my brother in law my blister. I know, I know it’s silly, but if hubby was home, I would look at hubby and be all proud of myself and silly with him. He’d usually acknowledge my small badge of honor (nothing in comparison to his badges), fuss a little then tease me about being a wuss. “You gonna make it? Should I call a Wah-mbulance?” That sort of thing.
My brother in law (not knowing this, or maybe he did… anyway.), he said the greatest thing and most perfect response ever. It’s been a little bit since he said it with brain fog being involved I forget the exact wording but in lieu of my hubby saying it, his response was perfect. Seemed to do the trick. 🙂
My sister in law is hubby’s older sister and she can commiserate with me on the hardheaded nature of the men in the family. She knows he was as infuriating as he was sweet and we can poke fun at him. She gets it.
They only stayed a few hours and I wasn’t ready for them to leave. The kids were adorable, excited bundles of energy, of life. My male in-laws were great for my son to be around, especially now when he needs male companionship.
My father-in-law and mother-in-law (I have 2 and they are both great) have been fantastic. They keep me level headed and thinking rationally while I’m losing my mind. They are full of practical advice, helping me get a church for a memorial and being very supportive. I know they are hurting right now too, but they are being strong and calm with me. Keeping me sane in this insanity that is my life right now.
My Mother-in-law, (David’s mom) gets mad with me, frustrated with me and she’s a fiery one so it’s pretty nice to have someone to rant with. She’s helping me with some emotional decisions because as hubby’s mother, I can defer to her wishes on some things that I’m struggling with. Making things easier for me.
On another note…. if you’re thinking of traveling overseas, don’t die over there. Your loved ones will be put through hell. They are already hurting from your death, dealing with consulates and embassies and red tape and strangers who could care less what they are going through.
I will post another rant about the red tape in another post.