Well, today was my anniversary. Three weeks after passing away and my husband’s remains are STILL in China. With no idea of a cremation date. At a time, when I should be starting to pick up my pieces, I’m still waiting for him to come home. Still waiting to plan a funeral, to get some closure.
This is the first time hubby has missed it… I slept in. Not much point in getting up just to be miserable. When I dragged myself out of bed, I went out to do some window shopping and looking for a chain to hang his ring on. I tried to help my mom pick out a new phone, then we went to Denny’s for dinner. I ate some comfort food. Biscuits and gravy and hash browns and a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. I drowned my sorrows in a chocolate molten lava cake with a scoop of ice cream. On the way home, I mailed out thank you notes.
I spent the day keeping busy, avoiding thinking about what day it is. That for the first time in 26 yrs, we’re not together on this day. Good times and bad, we have always been together. He’s never forgotten it, never missed it. God it hurts. I always thought he’d be here. I miss him making velociraptor noises when I hiccup, missing when he’d scream “Phone!” every time my phone rang until I answered it. His singing… snoring, even leaving whiskers in the sink. I even miss the TV blaring.
I came home and went to bed. Now I’m up… and alone so I can type this up and cry all I want to. I have a headache, my nose is stuffed up and I want to throw things. This sucks! I mean REALLY sucks.
I feel sick to my stomach… I am afraid to sleep sometimes. I imagine I won’t wake up, and my son will be all alone. I imagine there’s something wrong with me that I don’t know about and that I might die.
I imagine that he’s not really dead. That somewhere in China, he’s a captive of the government and counting on me to get him home. He promised me he’d always come home to me when he traveled. I feel like he would come home, that he wouldn’t do this and that I should know that and that I shouldn’t believe this. No one from the US has seen him and verified this, he was by himself. I don’t feel like anyone over there that he worked with would contradict the government, that they’d be too afraid.
Yes, I know this is just denial. Yes, I know the psychology of it, but it’s a very powerful force. It’s hope. Hope that I don’t have right now… If he was a captive, then I could get him back.