Randomness, Things that happen at my house

July 7th: My anniversary

Well, today was my anniversary. Three weeks after passing away and my husband’s remains are STILL in China. With no idea of a cremation date. At a time, when I should be starting to pick up my pieces, I’m still waiting for him to come home. Still waiting to plan a funeral, to get some closure.

This is the first time hubby has missed it… I slept in. Not much point in getting up just to be miserable. When I dragged myself out of bed, I went out to do some window shopping and looking for a chain to hang his ring on. I tried to help my mom pick out a new phone, then we went to Denny’s for dinner. I ate some comfort food. Biscuits and gravy and hash browns and a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich. I drowned my sorrows in a chocolate molten lava cake with a scoop of ice cream. On the way home, I mailed out thank you notes.

I spent the day keeping busy, avoiding thinking about what day it is. That for the first time in 26 yrs, we’re not together on this day. Good times and bad, we have always been together. He’s never forgotten it, never missed it. God it hurts. I always thought he’d be here. I miss him making velociraptor noises when I hiccup, missing when he’d scream “Phone!” every time my phone rang until I answered it. His singing… snoring, even leaving whiskers in the sink.  I even miss the TV blaring. 

I came home and went to bed. Now I’m up… and alone so I can type this up and cry all I want to. I have a headache, my nose is stuffed up and I want to throw things. This sucks! I mean REALLY sucks.

I feel sick to my stomach… I am afraid to sleep sometimes. I imagine I won’t wake up, and my son will be all alone. I imagine there’s something wrong with me that I don’t know about and that I might die.

I imagine that he’s not really dead. That somewhere in China, he’s a captive of the government and counting on me to get him home. He promised me he’d always come home to me when he traveled. I feel like he would come home, that he wouldn’t do this and that I should know that and that I shouldn’t believe this. No one from the US has seen him and verified this, he was by himself. I don’t feel like anyone over there that he worked with would contradict the government, that they’d be too afraid.

Yes, I know this is just denial. Yes, I know the psychology of it, but it’s a very powerful force. It’s hope. Hope that I don’t have right now… If he was a captive, then I could get him back.


11 thoughts on “July 7th: My anniversary”

  1. Hi Kawanee,
    I am so sorry to hear how long it is taking, I have been sitting here staring at this blank comment box and reading your post over and over hoping for some words to ease your pain. I who love to write and read am getting nothing. I am drawing a total blank. Cruel is the only word that keeps coming into my head, but who am I to judge. I would love to magically know some one for you to call and help end this nightmare for you, but I don’t. The only thing I can offer is myself. To let you know that I am reading your posts and praying for closure for you. I have these little tea candles that I light for times like this and think that some being or who ever runs the show in the universe will hear my thoughts and prayers for you and your family. I am sorry I have failed, but I will continue to read your post’s. I probably will continue to light the tea candles and say the prayers too, maybe I just didn’t pick the right one yet. I am here and will be, that is all I can offer, I can and do send virtual hugs (((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))) as well. I will check back often and please know I am thinking of you……….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If he was working for a U.S. company, they should do something. I’m not kidding when I say you should write to the newspapers, even to the President. It’s an election year and it would be good PR for him and the Democrats, especially Hilary Clinton. She was Secretary of State. Get the news out there. You have nothing to lose. It can’t get worse. It’s great you’re eating. You need all your strength to fight this situation. I’ll do what I can on Twitter, etc. I’ll continue to pray for you. ❤ — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My heart reaches out to you in your pain and I wish I could help you. I wish I could do more than send you thoughts of warmth and comfort to try to ease your burden. I feel as if I can see you huddled over your computer typing to get words out there that might help you to make sense of what is happening. I hope and pray that you get results soon so that you can have a funeral and get closure.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart aches for you. I don’t have to know you well to imagine a marriage wiped away in a blink of an eye, leaving one of the half to bear the brunt of grief alone. The circumstance surrounding his passing only add to the grief, prolonging your healing process from beginning. You are courageous to share your soul and heart here, and just know there are many here who support you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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