This is my hubby when he arrived in China, May 22nd.
This is my hubby June 13th, 3 days before he died.
Something happened over there. I don’t know what…What I do know is that it’s been 4 weeks, and I am STILL trying to get my husband’s body back from China. I know part of the delay was us deciding on cremation or trying to get his body home so we could see him one last time, but that decision was made that weekend after talking to a funeral home.
I was told that it would be 4 days if I had him cremated, and 2-6 weeks if I wanted him back whole. A funeral home assured me that I wouldn’t want an open casket after the best case scenario of 2 weeks much less 6 weeks.
After being told it would only be 4 days… and it taking 3 times that long and I still don’t even have a cremation date or a shipping date on him I can only imagine the nightmare it would be and how long it would be if I’d just had him shipped whole. I imagine I’d get him back sometime next freaking year.
I’ve done everything they’ve asked and more. I am still waiting. I do not have a death certificate. I cannot apply for benefits, and even if I could they say I’m too young to get anything anyway. I cannot find a job until I get my husband back and make the trip to Maryland in order to set up a funeral and then get back home. I have no money coming in in the meantime. I have to make decisions, like do I stay here with no family around? Do I move back to where my family is? There are no jobs there…. I’ve been offered one with hubby’s company and friends and family say they can get me jobs.
They originally said it was a brain aneurysm, now they say they don’t know but they think it was natural causes and no foul play was suspected. I do not have the money to do an autopsy, I do cannot wait another 6 weeks for the autopsy and then the shipping to be done. They couldn’t tell me where his belongings were… until recently and now they say some of the things I KNOW are supposed to be there are not there.
There is no life insurance through the company and I’m not sure of where I go from here. My lease on my house is up in August, and I don’t know if they’ll renew the lease or if I’ll be given no choice but to move. I can’t afford this place on my own, but I love it here, I was happy here.
I hate everything right now. I’m afraid to sleep… sometimes I’m afraid I won’t wake up either. He was so healthy and in great shape. I’m soooo not. He ate right… I don’t. There’s a pit in my stomach that won’t go away, I can’t listen to the radio without bawling like a baby. I’m jealous of the couples I see… I am being sharp with people I care about. I feel like a burden to them. I’m struggling here. Floundering.
I can’t be a full time writer anymore. Selfish I know, but it’s just one of many dreams that died that day. My dream of him as a grandfather… of going on cruises together, traveling and getting to see him be able to have fun instead of working and stressed out all the time. I looked forward to his retirement more than he did.
I actually lost him 10 weeks ago… he was working and traveling the previous 6 weeks and now another 4 to get him home. He was traveling for Mother’s day, and passed before Father’s day. Lives aren’t made up of first’s… they are made up of lasts.
The last time I saw him, the last time we spoke, the last time we went out on date night. How different they would have been had we known. It isn’t fair!