authors, Things that happen at my house

Finally! Some progress…

So hubby’s things are shipped albeit short a few things that I am unhappy about. They threw his toiletries out and that upsets me a lot. There are personal grooming items that are missing, I’ve addressed these things and will document them missing when I open the box of his belongings.

They say that hubby has been cremated and will be shipped Saturday the 16th, one full month since he passed. It has been 8 weeks since I saw him in person, this doesn’t seem real but I know it will be when his things arrive and he isn’t with them. I know Monday will tear me apart. I have wanted him back and his belongings for so long but now I dread getting them.

His memorial service is scheduled for July 21st. I dread this whole trip and everything about it. I don’t want to do any of it… but I have no choice. When I go through this step of ritualistic closure I have to come home and decide the next steps in my life. My son is in school, I am not old enough for social security benefits of any kind so I have to find a job. I worked full time up until last year so that isn’t a new thing but I’ve gotten spoiled over this last year of not having to work.

I’ve been offered a job with hubby’s company, but I am alone here with no emotional support and the pay is not enough to keep me in the house I am in. It will also be hard to work in the offices where I know my husband worked. The house full of last memories with my husband, which are sweet and yet very hard to handle sometimes. I do not want to have to leave it. I feel like a little kid who moves at Christmas and is afraid Santa won’t know where to find them. The dragonflies, hummingbirds, squirrels and whatnot bring me comfort. I am not sure what I am going to do just yet.

I either have to come home and pack, or start work. If my landlord won’t renew my lease given my new status and income I’ll have no choice. If I pack, I have to decide where to move or try to stay here and find a new place with the job, or move to where I have emotional support but no guarantee of a job. Do I move close to my aging mother and my dad’s family? Or do I move close to my in-laws so my son can be around other amazing male role models?  Either place I would have a ton of emotional support.

I hate this, I hate being uncertain and scared. I hate not having him around, I’ll see something I want to share with him or a show we watched together and that I want to talk about but…. I can’t. I want to ask him what the HELL is eating the blooms on my plants?! and what can I do to stop them… I want to ask him what his password to his freaking email was. I want to hear him snore next to me, I wouldn’t even mind when he gets the kicky legs.

The reality of never having that again is setting in. My mood swings are insane, I get angry at stupid little things, I get weepy over songs on the radio. My hubby sang everything all the time. The other night I put on some music from the 70’s.. I’m cooking and all this sappy crap music came on, I’m standing there stirring the chicken and crying my eyes out… Son hugs me and I recover and continue cooking. I changed the music to something more modern, after dinner, we (mom, aunt, son and me) were playing pinochle and some song by Avicci comes on, one we’ve never heard before but the chorus is something about a dad’s advice to his kid… These nights I think it’s called. Next thing I know, my son is crying… *CHANGE the song* He recovers… I decide that’s enough of THAT… let’s listen to the Grease soundtrack… nothing sad in that… right??


John Travolta is singing about being stranded at the drive-in… and gets to the chorus… “Oh, Sandy….” And my mom bursts into tears.. hubby used to sing that to her (her name is Sandy)

My son exclaims: What the hell is this?? Musical russian roulette?? Spin the freaking dial and see who gets the sucker punch?!

After that.. we switched the music to Disney soundtracks and dumped “The Lion King” from the list. My aunt made a new rule.. NO MUSIC!!!

And that’s how we are coping at the moment. Everything we do, hear, say… it’s an emotional minefield waiting to go off. If we’re in public and a song comes on… I grab my mom, son, or aunt and tell them to talk about anything… something.. I’ve even walked out of a store.

This SUCKS!! I want my hubby back but I also want to kick him really hard in the shins.

20 thoughts on “Finally! Some progress…”

  1. For any of us who’ve lost loved ones, this is familiar, Kawanee. You take it day by day and gradually the sharp edges of grief wear down a bit. I also know how it is to be able to stay home and then have to go back to work. We were moving frequently when our kids were young because of my husband’s work. We also had my mother a widow with Alzheimer’s living with us. That stuff never gets easier. I’m now having to handle everything myself here in India where my husband, 85, is down with a broken hip for which he doesn’t want an operation and is on medication. Thank goodness for Social Security. I just take it day by day. As our daughter in the U.S. wrote, “Hang in there”. It’s all that can be expected of you. I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers. Bless you. ❤ — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kawanee I believe you should get Social Security if not for you, for your son until he is 18. You can only try to get through one day at a time. You and your son will make the right decisions for yourselves. I am so sorry, and will keep you in my prayers.
    Keep posting when you feel the need, we will be here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the prayers.

      My son is over 18, We won’t get anything. We’ll figure things out. I keep telling him that we’ll be okay but heck if I know how. I just have to believe it and work hard to make it okay.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so glad that progress has been made at last. This will be a very difficult week for you, but please know that there will be many of us thinking of you and praying that you find the strength to get through it. After the funeral, your burden will ease a little. As each week goes by, you will have good days and bad, but gradually the good days will outnumber the bad ones. I’m sure that writing about it here and sharing your journey will help you to clarify things in your own mind too, especially about your decisions for the future. Wishing you love and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much. I appreciate the prayers. And yes, this blog helps me vent a little and is serving as a bit of a diary as well.

      On day, maybe I’ll put it all together and what happens when someone passes overseas and what all to expect. Maybe it’ll help someone else deal with this.


  4. Oh, my heart goes out to you and your son. Saying, “This too will pass. . . ,” is NO comfort at all. The fact is, there is no comfort for those first weeks and months. Time and its passing is your only friend. You must endure until time dulls the pain and blunts the edges of your grief and loss.
    Sending you a bucket of hugs, mate.

    Margot Finke –
    (fellow writer)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My partner and friend of 40 years died at home and it was expected… though not ‘then’. I didn’t have to wait or fight for closure… but ‘closure’ still took years, even though all the practical formalities were comparatively straightforward. Still, job, house sons… and suddenly you are handling it on your own and lost. You do not ‘get over it’ so much as learn a new way of living with their memory rather than their presence. You find your strength in what you shared and all the things they were proud of in you carry you through. You will get there, though tears and smiles will catch you unawares for a long time. Eventually, there are more tender smiles than tears. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is… brilliantly said. It is both hard to believe and yet feels hard to believe that it’s been a month already. I’ve been so busy with red tape and all that, that I haven’t noticed how much time has passed.

      What do I do when the busy fades? Will I be okay or have an emotional breakdown? If I stay where I am I’ll be alone, no family nearby to help.

      Maybe I should move home for a bit?


      1. Yes, you get some kind of down when the busy stuff is done… then the empty spaces hit home. And people forget… and because you are moving through the days, think you are ‘over the worst’… and you’re really not. Staying busy helps. Getting that job…any job… will help. Support from friends and famil helps, but only when they are there or on the phone. You still have to face the quiet times alone.
        Just do what feels right for you, we all face these things differently x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think having supportive loved ones around at this time is a good idea. Way the pros and cons of doing that, or staying there and accepting the job offer. Use pencil and paper to make the answer really pop. Hugs and good luck, mate. Margot Finke

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Another gal I knew was overseas getting her daughter’s urn to bring home. The country forbid it on the flight. In a desperate move, she poured some of the ashes in her shoe, and got on the plane. Who did these officials think they were?
    The grandfather back home took this real hard. Here is the poem regarding Baby Spree that I told you about. The grandfather was having a difficult time dealing with the loss, even more than the parents. This was in dedication to the Baby Spree for the Papa.

    Sincerely, Don

    Keep Always Looking Up
    By Don Ford

    Hey Papa, look up –
    Be always looking up.
    All that’s down below,
    Came from way up there.

    So look up there,
    What do you see?
    Do you see what we see too?
    We see the tops of trees,
    Climbing skyward also,
    Their reach is always up.

    And clouds are up there too.
    They float and drift along.
    They seem to have no cares.
    Their life is in the sky.

    The sun is shining down today.
    It brings its rays to us.

    Do you see that moon at night?
    The darkness it must go
    The sun will share its brighter light,
    And cause the moon to glow.

    And now today what else is there?
    Do you see the eagle fly?
    He spies the land and goings on.
    We look like little ants to him.

    We need to get our eyes off earth,
    We need to see the heavens.
    Above us there’s another place:
    A place of peace and promise.

    To get there we must first look up,
    And view what’s up above us.
    Remember trees – their branches rise,
    And clouds will show us how to fly.

    We need to find our places there,
    And search among the stars.
    Each sparkle is a memory
    Of one who’s gone before.
    So which one is our loved one,
    That we so much adored.

    So papa, keep on looking up.
    Keep always looking up.
    The child who left us suddenly,
    The one we miss so dear,
    And someday, maybe someday,
    That one you look for will appear.

    Liked by 2 people

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