So hubby’s things are shipped albeit short a few things that I am unhappy about. They threw his toiletries out and that upsets me a lot. There are personal grooming items that are missing, I’ve addressed these things and will document them missing when I open the box of his belongings.
They say that hubby has been cremated and will be shipped Saturday the 16th, one full month since he passed. It has been 8 weeks since I saw him in person, this doesn’t seem real but I know it will be when his things arrive and he isn’t with them. I know Monday will tear me apart. I have wanted him back and his belongings for so long but now I dread getting them.
His memorial service is scheduled for July 21st. I dread this whole trip and everything about it. I don’t want to do any of it… but I have no choice. When I go through this step of ritualistic closure I have to come home and decide the next steps in my life. My son is in school, I am not old enough for social security benefits of any kind so I have to find a job. I worked full time up until last year so that isn’t a new thing but I’ve gotten spoiled over this last year of not having to work.
I’ve been offered a job with hubby’s company, but I am alone here with no emotional support and the pay is not enough to keep me in the house I am in. It will also be hard to work in the offices where I know my husband worked. The house full of last memories with my husband, which are sweet and yet very hard to handle sometimes. I do not want to have to leave it. I feel like a little kid who moves at Christmas and is afraid Santa won’t know where to find them. The dragonflies, hummingbirds, squirrels and whatnot bring me comfort. I am not sure what I am going to do just yet.
I either have to come home and pack, or start work. If my landlord won’t renew my lease given my new status and income I’ll have no choice. If I pack, I have to decide where to move or try to stay here and find a new place with the job, or move to where I have emotional support but no guarantee of a job. Do I move close to my aging mother and my dad’s family? Or do I move close to my in-laws so my son can be around other amazing male role models? Either place I would have a ton of emotional support.
I hate this, I hate being uncertain and scared. I hate not having him around, I’ll see something I want to share with him or a show we watched together and that I want to talk about but…. I can’t. I want to ask him what the HELL is eating the blooms on my plants?! and what can I do to stop them… I want to ask him what his password to his freaking email was. I want to hear him snore next to me, I wouldn’t even mind when he gets the kicky legs.
The reality of never having that again is setting in. My mood swings are insane, I get angry at stupid little things, I get weepy over songs on the radio. My hubby sang everything all the time. The other night I put on some music from the 70’s.. I’m cooking and all this sappy crap music came on, I’m standing there stirring the chicken and crying my eyes out… Son hugs me and I recover and continue cooking. I changed the music to something more modern, after dinner, we (mom, aunt, son and me) were playing pinochle and some song by Avicci comes on, one we’ve never heard before but the chorus is something about a dad’s advice to his kid… These nights I think it’s called. Next thing I know, my son is crying… *CHANGE the song* He recovers… I decide that’s enough of THAT… let’s listen to the Grease soundtrack… nothing sad in that… right??
John Travolta is singing about being stranded at the drive-in… and gets to the chorus… “Oh, Sandy….” And my mom bursts into tears.. hubby used to sing that to her (her name is Sandy)
My son exclaims: What the hell is this?? Musical russian roulette?? Spin the freaking dial and see who gets the sucker punch?!
After that.. we switched the music to Disney soundtracks and dumped “The Lion King” from the list. My aunt made a new rule.. NO MUSIC!!!
And that’s how we are coping at the moment. Everything we do, hear, say… it’s an emotional minefield waiting to go off. If we’re in public and a song comes on… I grab my mom, son, or aunt and tell them to talk about anything… something.. I’ve even walked out of a store.
This SUCKS!! I want my hubby back but I also want to kick him really hard in the shins.