Dear random user of varied cell phone and such devices,
I am here for you, I feel bad for your situation and believe me I REALLY REALLY want to help you with your phone situation and get you back to connecting to your Words-With-Friends, Pokemon Go, and your favorite pastime of taking selfies and talking bad about the person you hate who may also be your best friend. Nothing would make me happier.
I cannot help that your kid is a clutz, or irresponsible, or that some jackwagon low-life stole your phone. I am here to take your call, sympathize, file your claim and then get a new device out to you as soon as possible.
BUT as the person taking your call I have a list of Do’s and Don’ts for you.
DON’T go on and on for 45 minutes about your conspiracy theory about your particular phone’s issue.
I’m sorry: I understand life sucks for you and that your particular phone and service provider sucks the most gigantic of all the monkey nuts in the known universe. I sympathize, I really do. But I cannot do anything about your carrier, I cannot do anything about the suckiness of your phone.
DO: Focus on your issue and the phone claim service!
I’m sorry that you have a screaming baby on your hip or are in the middle of homeschooling your precious little Bobby or Susie. I do not know when you are talking to me or to your child.
DO NOT: put me on a speaker phone and then call from a noisy locale like say… maybe an airport terminal. Every time the intercom or someone does something noisy in the background, it cuts your phone out and I think you are about to say something and I have to stop what I am doing to acknowledge it.
DO: Please try to keep the insults to my family lineage, and to my IQ to a minimum.
DO: Remember that I am human, who also has a cell phone so I do indeed understand it sucks having a broken phone.
DON’T: Keep going on and on about your broken phone or horrible service provider and their lineage. I am supposed to yield to you when you interrupt me as I go through the claim process and then I’m supposed to listen to you patiently. I am not supposed to interrupt you. Ever. Even if you’re going on and on about your favorite TV show, or how much your phone sucks, or how much I personally suck, or how long your hold time was.
DON’T: Blame me for the length of time the phone call is taking when you go off on a 30 minute rant about the cell phone companies and how the cell phone radiation is causing a spike in cancer. I must listen patiently and offer my sincere sympathy about your current situation, and I am most likely waiting to hear the information I’ve asked for.
DO: Remember that behind you, there is a line of people just dying for their chance at chewing my butt and giving me a piece of their mind because I am the worst thing in the world. Everything that has happened to your phone is my fault.
DO remember that I do not currently have a teleporting device. Until I get one, I have to use Fed-Ex and that may take a day or two to get there.
I apologize for my lack of teleporting capabilities.
DO take care of your phone,and be careful with your phone.
DO NOT throw your phone.
DO NOT use it as a marital aid.
This is what’s called intentional damage to the phone, it is NOT covered under any warranty or insurance, anywhere.
DO NOT ask me to send you a better phone than the one you are filing a claim on. If you want an upgrade, you must go to your local provider and buy it.
DO NOT call in a claim on a Verizon device on AT&T’s insurance company, or AT&T for a claim on a Sprint. To my knowledge none of these carriers covers another company’s devices, should that change I am sure there will be a public announcement.
Also, I never knew that answering a phone could be so exhausting. By the time my break rolled around, I couldn’t even look at my phone when I walked away from my cubicle. When I came back, I didn’t want to put that headset back on.
By lunch, I was ready to go home. I just wanted to put my head on a desk or hide under it. You people are exhausting! Thank you and I do hope that I never have to speak to you in person.