Not gonna lie, this last week or so has been rough. I honestly didn’t think I could sink any lower than when my husband died, but somehow I have. It’s not that sharp sting of loss… it’s the dull ache of a continued broken-ness. It’s stress and the knowledge that it’s not getting better, it’s not going to end any time soon. The job is stressful, the paycheck isn’t good enough to cover our needs, or rather I guess it does just that.. keeps a house around us, the lights on and basic needs, but nothing more.
The job is stressful, the paycheck isn’t good enough to cover our needs, or rather I guess it does just that.. keeps a house around us, the lights on and basic needs, but nothing more. No birthdays, no eating out, no frills… for those things I’ll need a 2nd job or to make those bonuses.. the bonuses seem like a pipe dream right now and it feels like the world is against me making them.
My leg isn’t better… it’s just gone from a bruise to a red swollen circular thing on my leg that is now peeling and throbbing and then muscles twitch, or sometimes it sends shooting pain up my leg. I tell myself it’s the nerves repairing and nothing more. If it’s not better by Friday I am probably going to go see the doctor again. An ER because I can’t afford the clinic visit.
After Thursday I was ready to throw my headset and walk out of my job, but I didn’t. I had my 2 days off and had some company come over and went out to shoot pool with my cousin and his wife. Getting out of the house was good, the time with friends and family was better and seems to have done the trick. Things don’t seem as bleak, even with the change of season and the getting dark earlier.
Sunday I had a coaching session at work, set some goals and was given some encouraging news. That helped me with my call times and I felt better about things, but today was a bit of a setback, maybe.. I’ll check tomorrow and see how things really look.
At least the past 2 days there’s been no crying on my breaks…. so I’m getting better. After talking to some friends and counseling it’s been suggested that maybe things are piling up now because things are calming down.. the move is completed, things are “normalizing” and I have more time to dwell on things and miss hubby more, to deal with the grief I haven’t had time to deal with yet. Another idea is that with the new job, I’m not blogging, I’m not venting… I’m not writing or visiting with friends online. All of which were keeping me afloat… and coloring… which I can’t do at work.
I need to get back into those things, those lifelines… those emotional outlets… those things that brought me happiness and things I enjoyed. So, I will be trying to do that.