Down in the dumps…

Not gonna lie, this last week or so has been rough. I honestly didn’t think I could sink any lower than when my husband died, but somehow I have. It’s not that sharp sting of loss… it’s the dull ache of a continued broken-ness. It’s stress and the knowledge that it’s not getting better, it’s not going to end any time soon. The job is stressful, the paycheck isn’t good enough to cover our needs, or rather I guess it does just that.. keeps a house around us, the lights on and basic needs, but nothing more.

The job is stressful, the paycheck isn’t good enough to cover our needs, or rather I guess it does just that.. keeps a house around us, the lights on and basic needs, but nothing more.  No birthdays, no eating out, no frills… for those things I’ll need a 2nd job or to make those bonuses.. the bonuses seem like a pipe dream right now and it feels like the world is against me making them.

My leg isn’t better… it’s just gone from a bruise to a red swollen circular thing on my leg that is now peeling and throbbing and then muscles twitch, or sometimes it sends shooting pain up my leg. I tell myself it’s the nerves repairing and nothing more. If it’s not better by Friday I am probably going to go see the doctor again. An ER because I can’t afford the clinic visit.

After Thursday I was ready to throw my headset and walk out of my job, but I didn’t. I had my 2 days off and had some company come over and went out to shoot pool with my cousin and his wife. Getting out of the house was good, the time with friends and family was better and seems to have done the trick. Things don’t seem as bleak, even with the change of season and the getting dark earlier.

Sunday I had a coaching session at work, set some goals and was given some encouraging news. That helped me with my call times and I felt  better about things, but today was a bit of a setback, maybe.. I’ll check tomorrow and see how things really look.

At least the past 2 days there’s been no crying on my breaks…. so I’m getting better. After talking to some friends and counseling it’s been suggested that maybe things are piling up now because things are calming down.. the move is completed, things are “normalizing” and I have more time to dwell on things and miss hubby more, to deal with the grief I haven’t had time to deal with yet. Another idea is that with the new job, I’m not blogging, I’m not venting… I’m not writing or visiting with friends online. All of which were keeping me afloat… and coloring… which I can’t do at work.

I need to get back into those things, those lifelines… those emotional outlets… those things that brought me happiness and things I enjoyed. So, I will be trying to do that.

~Kaw

 

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Published by: Kawanee Hamilton

Kawanee was born in Alexandria Louisiana but her first real memories are of Russellville Arkansas. She's always loved to read, and has always had an vivid imagination. She grew up in a house where almost everyone read, they didn't need a TV although she could still be found planted on her butt in front of her grandma's TV watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. She made up her first story with her mother when her cat died; it was about where pets go when they die. She continued to create stories from bad dreams she had and her dad would help her change nightmares to stories. They would sit up in a chair until the scary went away. He told her that: "Dreams, good or bad, are just stories your mind makes up. You are the author of your dreams; if you don't like them rewrite them. " She was hooked and has continued to read and write stories drawing from dreams, sights and just pure imagination. She just recently decided she'd like to try and get published and fail than wonder what if. Her story continues but where it goes from here is up to you, the Reader... She hopes you'll join her in finding out where her journey goes from here!

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10 thoughts on “Down in the dumps…”

  1. It is good to hear that you are moving forward a bit, Do see about your leg though, you don’t want it to turn into something serious. You are still in my daily thoughts and prayers. I wish there was something I could say to make your journey easier.
    As I read you post today I see a tiny light starting to shine. Keep moving in that direction and do post when you feel you feel you can. It is good to hear from you. Sending hugs and prayers for you and your son. (((((((((()))))))))

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, it is good to get it all out one way or another, crying is one way but as you know, writing is good and then you will receive positive feedback as we all want to put our collective arms around you and give you a much-needed hug and encouragement. You are doing a phenomenal job organising your lives, doing all the practical everyday stuff, but the emotional part has to be mostly on the backburner just so you can make it through the days, hence it will hang around for a while until you can give it proper attention. I am in awe at how you are coping. Time is on your side and you can take as much as you need and use it as you need. I wish you well for the coming weeks and months. ☺️💐

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It seems like an uphill struggle at the moment. Your injury is not healing because of the stress and grief. I know it was hard getting this job but are there any other companies, avenues you could try to access while keeping this job on. It seems that the job is piling more stress on you and I know you need to bring in money to keep you all going but perhaps you could start looking for something else which would lower the stress levels and also keep you financially. Getting out with friends and family is a must at the moment and I hope you have more lovely days and nights out with them. As always thinking of you and sending you huge hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, I do appreciate the kind words and encouragement. I really do. I plan on getting out of the house more and relaxing.. maybe going to the lake tomorrrow with my son and taking a walk.

      I’ve got 2 days off and plan to sleep in.. and take it easy.

      Liked by 1 person

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