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Update on my situation

Kawanee Hamilton

Thanksgiving was sad… I cooked and put up a tree but that’s all. I was sick and cried.
Hubby’s birthday was Dec 5th… I stayed home. Still sick. Cried…
Christmas was even sadder… thanks to family we had a Christmas. Didn’t feel like having Christmas, really wasn’t my feet enough to get anything, didn’t feel like shopping, didn’t cook… went to my brother’s house. Inlaws were brilliant! They sent gift cards for restaurants, so me and son will get out of the house, and they got us comfy clothes to sit around in. When I was alone, I cried and still sick..
New Years…. cleaned my house, just wanted to sit on my couch and eat pizza and get fat(ter)… Cried… still sick. Worked a bunch of hours.. I think it was 92.. in 2 weeks.

Put in 60 hours last week… will put in 40 this week… working hard, getting frustrated, still sick but getting better.

Started writing…. Tired all the time… family dragged me out of the house this weekend. The last time I really left to have some fun was Halloween I think. I cry at least once a day, or at bedtime. This sucks, I want my husband back. I want to throw stuff, break stuff…. yell… hit people… stay in bed… in the dark…

I hate the cat… most of the time.  Oh.. and we have snow! First snow I’ve seen in several years… note to self. Check antifreeze, have battery checked and find out why my car is leaking oil… when it didn’t used to. And my leg still resembles a zombie bite, but I think it’s getting better.

I’m back to revising 🙂

~Kaw

Published by Kawanee Hamilton

Kawanee was born in Alexandria Louisiana but her first real memories are of Russellville Arkansas. She's always loved to read, and has always had an vivid imagination. She grew up in a house where almost everyone read, they didn't need a TV although she could still be found planted on her butt in front of her grandma's TV watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. She made up her first story with her mother when her cat died; it was about where pets go when they die. She continued to create stories from bad dreams she had and her dad would help her change nightmares to stories. They would sit up in a chair until the scary went away. He told her that: "Dreams, good or bad, are just stories your mind makes up. You are the author of your dreams; if you don't like them rewrite them. " She was hooked and has continued to read and write stories drawing from dreams, sights and just pure imagination. She just recently decided she'd like to try and get published and fail than wonder what if. Her story continues but where it goes from here is up to you, the Reader... She hopes you'll join her in finding out where her journey goes from here!

14 thoughts on “Update on my situation”

    1. what else is there to do? I have to keep going, I have to keep fighting. I have to, just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

      Not sure if it’s courageous, I don’t feel courageous… feels like numb, then anger.. then sad.. and fear and stress.

      I’ll write a book about this eventually. I have a few ideas for working titles… Sudden Widow, dealing with unexpected loss.
      Sudden Widow, bringing him home… or something.

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  2. Kawanee, I can hear that you are still hurting–and no wonder!! How is your son managing? Is he with you or away at college. I would like to suggest you find a grief counseling group to help you deal with your feelings. They will understand because they have all gone through something similar. I know from experience how helpful and life-affirming such a group can be. Do it for yourself and for your son.
    Margot Finke
    Magic Carpet of Books

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    1. working on counseling… we’re hanging in there. Most days. He’s floundering, hasn’t found his footing yet and at home with me working on schoolwork. Just found out he’s really far behind and hasn’t opened his lessons in a couple of weeks.

      Have to ride him.. and I don’t want to, because I know it’s hard but- if I can’t wallow, he can’t either. So… nyah nyah.. I’m going to be a nag for a while.

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  7. Things do move forward, but I’m going to share something with you here. When my aunt who brought me up, died I was devastated , my world had shattered and for ten years I was on auto pilot. But, in that ten years things moved slowly on until one day I could think about her without breaking down. Sad as hell still miss her and angry that cancer took her away. Some people say you will get over grief but everyone is different, with me, it was about adjusting to a life without her. Big hugs from Scotland.

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