Okay, sooo 2 weeks into “happy pills”, they don’t make me happy, but the sadness doesn’t seem to be as overwhelming. Mood swings aren’t as bad. I didn’t know those were signs of depression and anxiety. I mean I did, and do… but when you’re the one having those things you don’t see it.
Those around you see the mood changes, the short temper, and the effects it has on you. I still don’t sleep well, I bury myself in foods I’m not used to eating. I don’t want to leave the house, even though I want to. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I want to do things, like write, read, color, go for walks, sing, go visit family and do things and yet I just don’t. I like to do those things… but I don’t.
I am in counseling now, she’s really nice. She listens to me… Not sure what I expected from counseling. Guess I expected more counseling… more instructions on how to deal with it all. For now, she’s letting me talk… I asked her what this was supposed to accomplish. She said, well… letting you talk is letting you process what happened. She doesn’t think I’m depressed… but I feel like right now I’m just setting the stage for something deeper.
She doesn’t know the guilt, the mistakes, the missteps I’ve made. She doesn’t know that I feel like I’ve let him down somehow. That will come out, I’ve got a list of things to talk to her about. Insurance gives me 3 sessions… I think we’ll need more. I’m supposed to talk to them about more.
The pills are making work more manageable. I’ve stopped getting so angry and frustrated with the “talkers” I’m getting the handle time down. I now have a new shift… I get off work while the sun is still out. That makes me happy. I can cook dinner and eat at a decent time. I have a new supervisor… I chatted with the head honcho at work today. It was productive.
I wish I could sleep better, I find that I’m holding myself tightly together. It’s like I’m braced for another blow, or that if I relax that I’ll fly apart. Emotionally. I don’t know… but I think things are better(ish). I’ll take it. For now, I’m not crying myself to sleep every night. I imagine it will taper off all together eventually.
Hard to believe it’s almost a year now. I think I walked around in shock for the first 6 months. Too busy to deal with anything… red tape, trip to maryland for the funeral, packing house, moving, finding a job and finding a new house, moving… There’s still so much left to do, lawsuits to file, insurance companies to fight…
It’s all overwhelming at times.