Another update :)

Okay, sooo 2 weeks into “happy pills”, they don’t make me happy, but the sadness doesn’t seem to be as overwhelming. Mood swings aren’t as bad. I didn’t know those were signs of depression and anxiety. I mean I did, and do… but when you’re the one having those things you don’t see it.

Those around you see the mood changes, the short temper, and the effects it has on you. I still don’t sleep well, I bury myself in foods I’m not used to eating. I don’t want to leave the house, even though I want to. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I want to do things, like write, read, color, go for walks, sing, go visit family and do things and yet I just don’t. I like to do those things… but I don’t.

I am in counseling now, she’s really nice. She listens to me… Not sure what I expected from counseling. Guess I expected more counseling… more instructions on how to deal with it all. For now, she’s letting me talk… I asked her what this was supposed to accomplish. She said, well… letting you talk is letting you process what happened. She doesn’t think I’m depressed… but I feel like right now I’m just setting the stage for something deeper.

She doesn’t know the guilt, the mistakes, the missteps I’ve made. She doesn’t know that I feel like I’ve let him down somehow. That will come out, I’ve got a list of things to talk to her about. Insurance gives me 3 sessions… I think we’ll need more. I’m supposed to talk to them about more.

The pills are making work more manageable. I’ve stopped getting so angry and frustrated with the “talkers” I’m getting the handle time down. I now have a new shift… I get off work while the sun is still out. That makes me happy. I can cook dinner and eat at a decent time. I have a new supervisor… I chatted with the head honcho at work today. It was productive.

I wish I could sleep better, I find that I’m holding myself tightly together. It’s like I’m braced for another blow, or that if I relax that I’ll fly apart. Emotionally. I don’t know… but I think things are better(ish). I’ll take it. For now, I’m not crying myself to sleep every night. I imagine it will taper off all together eventually.

Hard to believe it’s almost a year now. I think I walked around in shock for the first 6 months. Too busy to deal with anything… red tape, trip to maryland for the funeral, packing house, moving, finding a job and finding a new house, moving… There’s still so much left to do, lawsuits to file, insurance companies to fight…

It’s all overwhelming at times.


Published by: Kawanee Hamilton

Kawanee was born in Alexandria Louisiana but her first real memories are of Russellville Arkansas. She's always loved to read, and has always had an vivid imagination. She grew up in a house where almost everyone read, they didn't need a TV although she could still be found planted on her butt in front of her grandma's TV watching cartoons on Saturday mornings. She made up her first story with her mother when her cat died; it was about where pets go when they die. She continued to create stories from bad dreams she had and her dad would help her change nightmares to stories. They would sit up in a chair until the scary went away. He told her that: "Dreams, good or bad, are just stories your mind makes up. You are the author of your dreams; if you don't like them rewrite them. " She was hooked and has continued to read and write stories drawing from dreams, sights and just pure imagination. She just recently decided she'd like to try and get published and fail than wonder what if. Her story continues but where it goes from here is up to you, the Reader... She hopes you'll join her in finding out where her journey goes from here!

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8 thoughts on “Another update :)”

  1. You poor dear, you have been through so much. It is amazing you have managed as well as you have. Talking to a professional is always the best thing to do. Sending positive thoughts your way. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s a start Kawanee. Keep talking and let the emotions out no matter what they are. Grieving is a process and we all need help with it. You have been through a terrible storm and now the sun is peeking through the clouds. You have so many issues to deal with and I pray for you daily that you are blessed with the strength to keep moving forward and for peace. There are many of us here who care about you, Keep up the good work. You have taken the first step and that makes my heart smile. One step at a time. Bless you and your son. ♥♥♥

    Liked by 2 people

  3. What you describe is grief and also depression. The counselor will help but perhaps you can speak to the doctor about another type of therapy, psychotherapy is helping me, perhaps it would be good for you too. You need as much care as possible at the moment and I;m glad that you got a new shift and a new boss. Remember, I;m always here if you want to talk. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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