Suicide… 4 words: Listen, I need help!

First off… no one panic, I’m not suicidal.

Yes, I get down and feel like wtf is the point at times. I hate having to work when I know life is short and I’m not happy at my job and I keep thinking.. no one cares. If I died tomorrow, there’d be some poor schmuck who needs the job and if he died… there’s another to replace him. Why should I be here? Why am I busting my ass, and putting myself through the abuse dished out by the callers? My last day on earth could be spent staring at a drab gray cubical wall and waiting for a beep that signals the next upset person is on the line. But I am not suicidal.. although at times I have just wished I didn’t have to deal with this new life, and the fear that comes along with it.

What is prompting this post? First Chris Cornell and now Chester from Linkin Park have killed themselves. Robin Williams, killing himself… I know fame and money won’t make you happy, but surely they can afford to get the help they need…. They SHOULD be able to voice their pain… what they need. I mean, I’ve heard stories that this star had to have only green M&M’s in their dressing room, another star demands to be carried everywhere she goes… another has to have a new pair of white sneakers before every performance. So WHY can’t they demand some help? Why can’t we? Why aren’t we talking about depression?

I knew I was struggling with dealing with losing Dave, and I know I thought I was doing okay. I didn’t realize I wasn’t until I went to the doctor for my leg and she said it was a bruise…. (still there after almost a year but *shrug*) I ended up walking out of there with a prescription for anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills.

Not going to lie, I felt even worse thinking I wasn’t being strong. That I was failing and I should be able to do this without them… I’m still not happy with it… I mockingly call them “My happy pills” but they allow me to sleep (a little better), they keep me from blowing up over small things, but allow me to cry and to have my breakdowns..

I’m far from healed, but I’m getting better. It’s not a weakness, even if it feels like it is. It’s not a failure, even if it feels like it is. You’re hurting. If you had a knife in your side, it’s not a failure to go to doctor, it’s not a failure to get medication for infection or for pain.

Depression is an infection of the mind, brought on by emotional pain. Get help….

I keep hearing how brave I am, how strong… BULLCHIT.

I’m surviving…. and for now, that’s what it’s about.


I didn’t understand how people could kill themselves, until I lost Dave. I needed help, I needed to cry to scream and to throw things and hit things. I tried to talk to people, to cry and just try to get it out of my system. People are always, shushing, and telling you it’ll be okay. (It won’t… not for a long long while anyway). I needed Dave to let me break apart on him, to hold me and keep me together, but he wasn’t there.

It’s like drowning, I felt like I’m sinking beneath the waves. Cry out for help, “I’m struggling…” and someone says: You’re so brave. Water closes in over top of me and I can’t breathe, Break the surface, call out for help: “I’m not doing well…” You’re so strong…

No… I’m not… I want to scream. Random songs make me cry… I go quiet… I don’t go out… I lose myself in a stupid game. I also sometimes feel Iike I should lie and say I’m doing okay… just so I don’t bother people. I know they get tired of hearing about it, but I live with it every day. Some are better than others…

And then people are shocked when someone kills themselves. WHY??
There are signs… they are often just ignored. Because It’s easier.

Why can’t we talk about this? Why isn’t this treated as an illness? Why are we so afraid to admit we need help?

PS… I’m TRYING to get back into things that make me happy and posting and writing.. but it’s hard to find the time and energy to do things. Yes, even things I enjoy and want to do. I talk myself out of them or sleep, or…. waste time in some stupid way or another. But I’m Trying..

16 thoughts on “Suicide… 4 words: Listen, I need help!”

  1. There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better Kawanee, so go ahead and scream, punch something, cry all you want, but, please remember that we care about you. We are powerless with our words to make you feel better, but, not with our compassion for you and your son. Depression can cause someone to take their own life no matter how much money they have, it doesn’t care how rich or poor you are it will take anyone it can. You have taken the right first step and if the medication is helping you get through each day then continue it as prescribed. Grieving is a process and different for each person. Don’t feel guilty, screw anyone who tells you everything will be all right, it will never be the same, but, time will help you cope. How much time? I don’t know, I don’t think anyone can answer that. Have you looked into any groups that have lost their spouse’s or children for that matter? Just a suggestion, I don’t know if it will help to speak to people that are in the same situation, but, it might. I am sure your family feels helpless too, especially your son, how is he doing? Only you will know when the time has helped you move forward. In the meantime, I am here to listen.
    Have you received any correspondence or Insurance yet or are you still hitting a brick wall? I pray that you have at least gotten some answers. I continue to keep you and your son in my prayers and hope to see you posting more frequently. I can see that you are trying and that’s a good thing. Sending love and hugs your way. xoxoxo

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’ve not received notification about your posts recently. I’m glad to read this one, even if it is a cry for help.
    Survival is all you can do for now, and you are surviving. Remember we all care. And remember your son, too. He needs you and you need him.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thank you for this post! I know many people are going through this. Each one going through a different situation, but we all have to learn how to survive.
    I wish you strength and everyday say as that Gloria Gaynor´s song: “I will survive”.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thanks for sharing this post! I know many people are going through similar situations right now. You will be alright. I wish you strength and every day say as that Gloria Gaynor’s song: “I Will survive”.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You sound like you’re gradually healing even though you’re still hurting. Think of working as helping to supply food and housing for you and your son and getting him through school and on his own. Don’t worry about the complaining customers. They have bad days too and you’re not responsible for that. It sounds like you’ll get insurance if you keep at the effort. Losing my husband was just the beginning but I’m gradually handling things. I finally got the flat in my name. A neighbor told me I was a tough woman. I told her I had to be. The Social Security still hasn’t straightened out my account. I’m still waiting after doing all they told me to do. I pray and keep working at things. Just keep moving ahead. Don’t worry about famous people dying. Everyone has problems even though some seem perfectly happy. You found a good doctor and that’s great. I’ll keep praying for you. ❤ — Suzanne

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thanks to Patricia’s re-blog, I came over there. Kawanee, you are brave and you are so giving, to write this for others to read and to relate and perhaps to tell themselves, “I need to get help.” Depression is a silent disease, in that so many are silent about it, when it should be the opposite. A close friend of mine sunk into a depression when her husband was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. I’m close to her, walked with her every day, and I still did not know how badly depressed she was until she told me she got some meds from her doctor to help, and that they were helping. But besides meds, writing is a wonderful form of therapy that helps clear your head, helps the writer understand how much pain she/he is in, and helps perhaps in realizing it’s okay to share the pain, and to ask for help. Sending you a warm hug.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’m so pleased you had a doctor prescribe you something suitable to help you through this. Life would have been even more unbearable without this. Depression hits us all but to different degrees and how we survive it depends upon our back up and our determination. With your son there you have the will to come through on the other side of it a much stronger woman butt take any help that’s offered until you’re ready to do it alone.
    You sound amazing in what you achieve.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. A powerful post, Kawanee. You’ve been through hell and owning your feelings is important. But so is getting help and doing those things that smooth out the rougher edges and make room for some clear thinking and healing. I’m glad you’re taking steps forward. Good news that your lawyer is pursuing your interests more aggressively. Wishing you all the best of goodness and light. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I don’t understand why Chris or Chester killed themselves, my wife is still grieving for Chris Cornell who she met when she was 19 and had a photo taken with him. She had all his recordings and the t shirts. He was an integral part of her life. His passing left a hole that can’t be filled. And there in lies the truth of the matter. Depression leaves a hole that doesn’t mend, it can be the death of a loved one, or chemistry in the brain gone off the tracks but it’s real and it’s something we all need help with. I agree with you, why aren’t people more aware of the signs or treat it like an illness or someone breaking their leg. It’s because it’s unseen, I think. We need more awareness. Sending you huge hugs and love from Scotland. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I have an idea for you, free of charge – the queen of everything – plus I am always right, just ask my kids…!

    Get yourself Quickbooks certified, can be done online, it’s an accounting program with free lessons and bigger citys have some free on site lessons periodically. Sign up with Quickbooks online to receive emails. Learn ten key by touch, easy, probably some online training .
    The reason; Quickbooks is used by most CPAs and small business where you can make better money and better working conditions.

    Please feel free to contact me: and I will give you my phone number.

    PS – you are smart and can do anything you set your mind to!


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