I was trying to be a grown-up tonight and try cooked spinach, after, I dunno, let’s say a bazillion years ago because it has since evolved into a sentient lifeform capable of protecting itself by becoming the least palatable thing on the planet.
Mom made it tonight, and I, being the innocent, trusting, optimistic, adventuring type, dipped into the bowl and scooped a bit of it out. I thought it won’t hurt anything… it can’t be that bad and I think I’ve eaten it before so give it a shot.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not going to sugarcoat it and make it sound like I was even remotely classy. I spat that soggy sweat-sock tasting goop back out and scrubbed my tongue with a napkin. Several descriptions of the flavors and textures come to mind.
It tasted like Minnow water smells…. or maybe that green swamp water and sweaty socks. Like if you washed the armpit stain out of a t-shirt and made tea or soup out of it.
Mom said to put some salt on it and it would be better… She lied. There’s no helping this stuff. It’s by far one of the nastiest things I’ve ever had the misfortune of putting in my mouth.
It’s got the consistency of wet toilet paper, wet soggy bread, or pond scum. Oh! I know you know when you get out of a lake or the ocean and you find that gross weird seagrass slime stuff stuck to your leg? THAT!! It’s like that, only in your MOUTH! It’s soooo nasty!
It looks like the underside of your lawnmower when you cut wet grass and it gets all beat up and clumpy. Or some alien spoor that will eventually grow into some weird face eating amoeba monster thing that trails swamp water behind it like a snail.
It smells like someone found an old gym sock with a foot still in it, at the bottom of a swamp. Or when you put the kids wading pool up for the winter and that rotted grass and worm smell you get from under the pool. That is pretty close.
I know why Popeye was so bad ass… it’s because he actually managed to keep that stuff down. Or, maybe his body flailing around trying to process the sensory overload of grossness? I think that must be it.
Please, please, on behalf of all the children on the planet… don’t make them eat this stuff. It’s cruel. My son said I was being a big baby… he tried it and he said it wasn’t great but it was okay. No, no it’s not “okay” there’s nothing okay about it.
Mom proceeded to eat three freaking helpings of the stuff just to spite me. I know it was spite because she never eats three helpings of anything… like ever. I told her she liked it because her taste buds were old and demented, that they don’t know what’s good or bad anymore.
Your Spinach hating