I miss you all and miss writing and posting on here, but I’m super busy right now. I’m happy most of the time, my bills are paid and I’ve managed to put a little aside for fun and a rainy day. Things are… becoming more manageable and a new “normal” is starting to form.
I miss hubby every day, I think of writing our story often and I can think about it without crying. I get misty and my eyes still leak but fortunately or unfortunately I am doing better. I find he’s on my mind a lot lately, maybe because that time is coming around again.
On one hand, I hate that I’m learning to live without him. It’s hard to exist without him, it feels wrong to keep going on and living life like nothing happened. Of course, I’m not really going on like nothing happened but life has a way of making you exist until you can live again. There’s a difference between them and you feel the tangible effects of both.
These almost 3 yrs have been horrible, heartbreaking, stressful and did I mention awful? I think I’ve had way more bad days than good, but that is changing. The days are shifting from bad to okay… with a few good days in the mix. Being busy helps… enjoying my job helps, if I had time to write… it would almost be good.
And then sometimes, it suddenly feels like I got punched in the guts. Today I found the directions for hubby’s last road trip before he left for China. It was inside of the driver’s side door map holder. I don’t know how I missed it. I’ve cleaned the car out several times, I’ve purposely left some of his receipts and things in the center console, but not in the doors where they could get wet or blown out on a blustery day.
Hubby went up to Virginia, it was dated for May 6th, 2016 I think. On the last day of his business trip, he asked if I minded if he went home to see his family before coming home to me. It was Mother’s day weekend, but he hadn’t been back there in years and I said I didn’t mind. He said he’d make missing mother’s day up to me… we all know how that turned out.
On one hand, I’m glad he went… on the other selfish hand, I didn’t know it would be my last mother’s day with him. There are so many things we take for granted, experiences that could be our “last” with someone. I’ve rearranged my thought process, I’m not waiting to do something I want to do… I’m using the good silverware my inlaws got me. Special occasions are every day. Unless it is wildly impulsive and irresponsible then I do what I want. (when my job and such allows it)
Why, yes waiter, I will have dessert today! I will drive to the lake and watch the storm roll in… I will sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon and yes… I will stay up until sunrise reading a book or playing a game on my phone. Then I will work, eat and adult for a while… but only when absolutely necessary and for only as long as I have to do it.
~Kaw “the recovering”