This is a long post… I am sorry, but I just have to tell someone. I need to put these words out there, or I’ll lose it. Maybe I already have…. maybe I’ve snapped? I dunno. I’m cold and shaking as I’m typing this now. I’ve been this way for over 3 hrs. I want to fall apart and not deal with this stuff. I told my son, I want this to end…. but it doesn’t. It won’t. What do you do with this? How do you cope when nothing makes sense? And just when you think it’s okay, things are on a stable course, it’s manageable… I get sucker punched and have a full-on meltdown, panic attack or anxiety or something in the middle of the store. Dealing with all this kind of feels like trying to herd cats.
So, here’s the deal. It’s coming up on that part of the year again, and I hate it. Of course, my mind is on hubby right now. He was in Maryland for Mother’s Day that year, it’s the start of the worst thing in my life. I’m going to and I expect to be a little emotional. This is all logical crap that my brain knows already, and knowing it’s coming makes it easier to deal with. (So it’s supposed to be anyway…) I switch from shaking to nausea, to tears. Maybe I need to talk to the doctor about something I can take temporarily… maybe some counseling… anyway… I’m ranting like a crazy person but I think it’s important to write it down. This is me with all my issues right now.
So I know it’s logical that I might dream of hubby this time of year. And I did. I dreamt that he came home… only for him, it was still 2016. He got on the plane and came home but for me, it’s been almost 3 yrs and he’s been dead. When he comes into the house, I have an emotional hissy fit and he has no idea why. I hold onto his arm, clinging to him as I walk him into the living room. I’m touching him to make sure he’s real, staring at him like, well like he’s returned from the dead. I can’t stop looking at him… he thinks I’m being weird but also thinks that I’m just happy to see him back from his month-long trip.
He used to sing a song called Heat of the Moment… he always started at: Do you remember when we used to dance? And incident arose from circumstance.
I start crying, he wanted to know why. So I tell him that I missed hearing him sing it and I also finally I explain to him what’s been going on. He doesn’t believe it, he gets out his passport and it’s been through the sliding machine thing so many times that you can see the letters embossed onto the cover. Nothing makes sense, he can’t believe it. How many times had he gone to the airport and had it ran through for it to do that… he wants to see his death certificate. I don’t want him to see it like if he sees it, he’ll disappear but he insists and soon he’s looking at it. He looks at me and the papers and is upset.
I woke up with tears on my pillow and try to compose myself. I didn’t tell anyone else about the dream. Not the details of it, it’s my dream, it’s mine to… I dunno.. to keep, to deal with.
On the 2nd of May, I got in my car to find some papers in the driver’s side door pocket. I don’t put papers there because I’m afraid they’ll get wet if it rains or blow out, I keep papers in the center console of the car. Naturally, I’m confused by the papers being there and pick them up and unfold them.
It’s the printed directions for hubby’s last business trip in the US before heading to China. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the date on it reads May 2nd, 2016. It felt like someone doused me in cold water. I’ve cleaned the car out several times in the past 3 yrs, why are these papers there as if hubby was getting ready to go on a trip?
My aunt and her husband were in the car with me, I kept my cool but my mind was racing around trying to find a logical explanation for this. I’m struggling. I’m wondering if my dream is telling me that he doesn’t know what’s happened to him. (If you believe in such things.) I wonder if he’s still going to work and doing the things he did, in a loop. Honestly, it would make sense that even in the afterlife the man would work his behind off and I want to smack him for it. He never listened when I told him that he should take it easy and relax. He never listened when I told him that sometimes he needed to fail at work. Not accomplish whatever herculean task they wanted to be done because why would they hire more people to help him if he kept handling things and being Super Dave? Failure wasn’t allowed, not in his book.
He busted his ass, poured blood, sweat and not tears… but his soul into that company. He did it to be a good friend, to not disappoint people, because he believed in hard work and not giving up. He took a company that for all intents and purposes was going under, no parts, no new cars, dealers who were frustrated and angry over being ignored and turned it into something that survived long enough to be sold for a good price to a good company. He built cars from salvaged cars that had been stripped for parts, and he sold them… I sold parts and developed a new way of keeping up with dealer concerns and calls so that we had a record of who called and what the call resolution was. I told dealers about the parts program and they started buying parts with the program. In one month, we had 50K in part sales.
And all of it was for nothing, no one appreciated it. They didn’t give 2 shits about him, they used him up and proved they didn’t give a crap about him by denying me the workman’s comp, not even a damn sympathy card. The small token of kindness they made at the time was amazing but also a slap in the face because they wanted me to sign off and say I wouldn’t file the workman’s comp claim. Now I’m dealing with PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and to get on my feet financially so I can take care of my mom who is showing signs of Alzheimers/Dementia.
Okay, sorry… ranting again. Where was this going… okay right!
After the dream and then the roadmap… I’ve been struggling a bit but holding it together… until tonight. I’m still not sure what happened to me… but here goes. The final straw…
I’m in a good mood, I just left my cousin’s birthday party and I stop at the store. I go in, I’m looking for sub rolls, olive oil and some soda to drink. It should only be 5 minutes or so. I’m bending over to get the rolls when all of a sudden I hear:
“Do you remember when we used to dance? And incident arose from circumstance.”
The specific line he used to sing… it’s not the opening part of the song… I hadn’t heard it playing and all of a sudden that’s all I can hear. I froze, I started shaking, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t move right. My hands weren’t working right, I couldn’t open the baggy to put the rolls in, I couldn’t work the tongs to pick them up. I was cold and trembling, my heart was beating like I dunno what… I felt like I was going to throw up, I wanted to sink into the floor. I knew I had to get those rolls in that bag and I had to stay on my feet.
I called for my aunt, and somehow I got those damn rolls into the bag and over to her where I lost it for a few minutes. I don’t remember if I explained it properly, but somehow I got what I needed and managed to keep it together somewhat until I got to the checkout. The stupid machine wasn’t working right, I wanted to yell at it, throw things and started shaking again. My aunt was calm… trying to keep me calm because I know I’m on the verge of absolutely losing it and breaking something or going into hysterics. I think I told her I want to go home, I want to go to my room and just die.
I don’t want to deal with whatever this is. I thought it was supposed to get easier? When? When does that start happening? When does it stop feeling like the earth is caving in under my feet? And the sad thing of it all, I’m doing okay financially, I’m healthy (ish) and I have a job I love (ish)…. there’s nothing really wrong but yet THIS happens. By all accounts, I should be okay… I shouldn’t be having this kind of meltdown and yet here we are.
Is this what it’s like to go crazy? Cause I think I’ve done it… I feel like I had my pieces picked up (mostly) and was gluing them back together and now something has come along and kicked it before the glue could set and now I’m in pieces again.
The shakes have stopped but I feel sick to my stomach, my chest is tight and my head hurts. Is this the darkest dark before the dawn? Is this the bottom of the well? Is this the final hurrah and the culmination of all the bullchit of the last 3 years? Is this a normal thing that people go through after losing a spouse?
Your crazy losing her mental crap,