Been dealing with a few things, looking for work, sorting my mind and house and kind of living a life offline a bit. I’m back in counseling, I really like her. She’s pretty smart and I think it’s helping. I’ve been getting better and better. Still not 100% but yeah, I feel like I’m turning a corner.
Had some interesting dreams this year, the kind that let me know that I’m healing. Hopeful dreams, visitation dreams… I’m doing the things I should’ve been doing. Getting back into a routine.
This road is curvy and I never know what is around the bend and sometimes it’s downright foggy but I’m muddling through. I navigate it the only way I know how… carefully and slowly but sometimes way too fast. I’m getting better. 🙂
My counselor thinks I should make a podcast or a youtube channel to work through things and maybe help others along the way. I think it sounds like a great idea but I’m a bit leery of putting my face out there. I’ve put on about 50 lbs since hubby died and that messes with my self-esteem. I know I will need a script or at least an outline of what the topic of the day is…. insomnia, depression, guilt, anger, coping, normal things, etc. I also know I won’t stick with it because…. me… that’s why.
I’ll want to bring my weirdness into the video, sense of humor so that it’s both entertaining and yet helpful. Some days will be not funny…. some will be teary and y’all… I’m an ugly crier. Like, I know that. There’s the red nose, the weird crumpled face thing, that squeaky closed throat Kermit the frog talking. So there’s that.
My thoughts so far are this…
Just go in ugly, no make-up, wearing t-shirt, maybe a ponytail, maybe bed hair. I mean just get the shock of it out of the way, then see who sticks around. If they can handle me like that, then they’ll be around for the good days too. Right? Right?
Anyway, hopefully I can help someone else deal with their situation. Know that they aren’t alone… and that wanting to throw things and scream and destroy things is a part of the process. So is crying, not sleeping, depression, apathy, eating too much, sleeping too much… obsessing, anxiety, anger and all the wonderful crap.
I know that not everyone’s experience is the same. I feel like I’m the only person who has had this particular thing happen, but I also know that… I can’t be sure of that. What I do know and understand is this:
Pain, loneliness, loss… missing someone… THESE things ARE universal. Regardless of gender, who you lost, how you lost them, or when. Maybe I can have people who have been widowed for a long time, maybe they can give advice. We’ll see.
So what do you think?
Also I’m already working on posts for January to get back into my flow of things. Back to writing memes, advice, jokes, tips and whatnot.