Randomness, The Virus, Things that happen at my house

The Toilet Paper crisis of 2020: This butt shall be clean!

Okay, so this is late coming, but here goes! Back around March 12 my mom and I went to the store. We had NO idea that it was crazy out in the world. We went and found out that while we were being levelheaded and chill… the rest of the world had descended into madness. The shelves were empty. Like SCARY empty. There was no toilet paper (TP)… I guess we were lucky we got it at the other store earlier. I figured it would be okay because things would get refilled… people are just being stupid. It would calm down…

Fast forward two weeks and I still haven’t seen toilet paper. This is getting serious, there are 3 butts in my house. I start actively looking for it but no one has it. It’s not reappearing on shelves. Rumors abound that TP is made in China and we might not ever see it again. (a slight exaggeration) I google this… no… there are plenty of TPs made in the US.

Mom said she was getting worried… she grew up in a time where they had outhouses. She’s descending into some flashback that led her to declare that she would NOT use her hands.

O.o WHAT?!!! That’s not going to happen, mom. I try to reassure her. We have paper towels, mismatched socks (they should’ve stuck together like the rest of them), dryer lint… the newspaper gets delivered every day. No one is using their hands. We have enough to last us until people stop freaking out. 

After another week of no toilet paper, I realize we might indeed be in trouble. People are apparently stuck in freak out mode and going full steam into bat chit crazy!

We still have some rolls left but I’m getting worried… I start referring to the cat as “Potential Toilet Paper” I figure she’s soft if not a little scratchy when provoked. Everything in the house is now potential toilet paper…  junk mail, the yard (I will scoot across it ala doggy style.), and even grandma is fair game.

Finally, I decide I’m not going into a store again, someone has to have the things we need and I will order them and then pick them up. I place my order on Thursday 26th… holy jeez and saints be praised THEY have TP!! I triumphantly order and reassure everyone that we are going to have toilet paper again! We can pick our groceries up on the 1st. That’s a week away, but we’ll make it.

Only on the 1st, I get a text message…. they do NOT have toilet paper and about 5 other things we needed. Like yeast and taco shells… but who cares?! We needed the TP! We are upset… it’s been nearly a month… maybe the TP isn’t coming.

I go do my picture job and on the way home, I get this feeling to stop in this out of the way store. It wasn’t on my exit on the highway, but I took it and went home the long way. I stop into the smaller walmart, one that only sells food and household cleaner type of things. I’m walking along the aisle looking for things the other store didn’t have…. This place has stuff that I’m looking for! *yay!* I celebrate my happiness with a lady I’ve never met before and we chat (from a distance) about the craziness and I mention the lack of TP and how I had not seen it in 4 weeks… she said:

“Sweetie, the guy just put some out! Hurry and get some before it’s gone.”

Don’t have to tell me twice, I’m already going and yelling a thank you over my shoulder. I arrive at the aisle and-

Choirs of angels sang, a light from heaven beamed through the ceiling on 4 packages of TP… It’s just me and wide open aisle, no one to snatch it away before I can get one. This thing has like 24 rolls and costs almost $20 but I don’t care! I grab a pack and toss it into my cart like I expect to knife fight for it. It’s best not to stick around, so I hurry to the frozen food aisle where I cover my precious paper with other items. When it’s camouflaged, I head to the checkout… we are in the home stretch! It is only after it is paid for that I start to relax.

I’m 1/2 way across the pick-up lane when mom sees me. Her eyes shift to the cart anxiously then she looks hopeful, but it could just be paper towels. As I get closer she sees the toilet paper and starts smiling and fist-pumping in victory.  I got everything that had been missing from our order! I throw everything into the car, return the cart and hurry back and lock the doors as we leave the parking lot.

The cat, socks, and lawn are safe. 

~Kawanee with the clean butt. 🙂

10 thoughts on “The Toilet Paper crisis of 2020: This butt shall be clean!”

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